Yesterday was terrible. I woke up, had to eat, start cleaning the bathroom, dentist appointment, finished cleaning, sat around, mom took me somewhere, got back, had to eat, babysat until around a quarter to ten, went online, talked, then my dad came in and pushed the power button to my computer, then shut off the lights. '...Goodnight.' I sat there on my bed thinking, not writing, because I'm trying to not do that so much. It leaves a trail. I was thinking of burning it, burning all those times from the past, burning every single memory so I wouldn't have to feel it. Or so I could pretend I don't feel it.

Today was better.. I was taken to church first, in which I sat there daydreaming the whole way through. I mean completely spacing out for like ten minutes at a time... good escapes. Then I went over Eric's... we played korn the whole time, except when we watched this marilyn manson movie thing... it was freakish, but in a good way. I mean, manson style. Do animals believe in god? No. Stop practicing drinking and start performing narcotics. Gladly. Oh something I found... "There is a belief that Jodi's killer may have watched it." That's pretty sic if someone actually did all that in reality, but I doubt it was because they watched the movie. Cops like to put the blame on people. And even if the person did get the idea from watching it... what the fuck would they have to accuse Manson for? It's not his fault some psycho went and tortured and killed some 14 year old. Damn, learn to blame the right people around here.

You represent... anger. Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to... freak out easily. Overly emotional about everything, you're most prone to bouts of cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be afraid of the fact that you explode so easily, but at least you're honest... even if you're honest about not liking anything.

What feeling do you represent?
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The connection's not up, but I'm being a hideaway in my room, and writing here, but I won't be able to upload this until tomorrow.

So the day was great... I don't really remember school. I just know I don't want to know my grades. Afterwards I went over Eric's with Eric, Thom, Samee, Ryan.. and Cory? idk. Later KK came, and we were just chilling around.. then Jill and that other girl came, and Sophia, and JJ, and Matt, and by then it was kinda too crowded. I put up glow-in-the-dark stars and pot leaves on Eric's ceiling, now it looks pretty awesome. About half the people had a little extra celebration outside, not too much, thankfully. Yeah, and so the party continued on, I guess the only bad part for me was when Eric's dad came in.. yeah. And I'm sure you guys have your own opinions on that whole event, but the basic truth is that I'm sorry for hurting who I hurt, if I did, and I mean yea call me crazy, but I think that if two people hadn't spoken to each other for a month or two, then they don't have a relationship. (Me and Matt weren't blood related, and neither were we countries, so here's the definition that would apply: 2: a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection) ) Yeah. State of connectedness? It was a goddamn state of ignorance. What the hell am I trying to do, play as my own lawyer? Fuck it. I don't care if I'm saying this too bluntly, it's the truth. Go ahead and argue. Be pissed off at me. Some of your arguments may have some good points, but frankly I just didn't care about them at the time, and I was happy with what I was doing and who I was with. Which is something I hadn't felt for a long time before now.

Yesterday was... just fucking awesome. 10th period, Thom's house, the confusing walk back... lovely times. It was thom of course, me, kk, eric, and rob. Mad fucking cold, though, but great. I dont feel like giving details, because some random people sometimes come here and read this since I link it from my profile. Go look at my journal, even though I dont think I told anyone the adress.. well, you have fingers to type with and a lips and lungs and vocal chords (ok I'll stop) to ask questions with, so you might make some use of them. Don't worry, I'll tell you, and I don't bite. Haha I've always wanted to say that.

Yeah so later (yes, still yesterday) I went over Ryan's. There was Ryan, me, eric, kk, samee... I honestly don't remember if anyone else was there. I should, because I left at five and that's like 3 hours later, but I don't. Well I was still kinda 'not fully there', when I found something out, while I was still thinking about the other person and what the hell is up and if things really are completely through with that, and I just kinda sat there trying to sort it all out but it wasn't working and I didn't even know what the hell I was thinking..... I know this won't make any sense to anyone who doesn't have the slightest idea about what the shiznit I'm talking about, but you know what, oh well. Okay, I'll go back to making sense though.

Then I got home, ate, went to the youth group thing again. That thing's really getting to be a pain in the ass... no one talks. It's just the nun. She pisses me off. She's so quiet, and calm, and all sickly innocent. Sometimes I sit there arguing in my head about half the stuff she says, other times I drift off and start thinking about something totally different, sometimes I even feel like I really am somewhere totally different, too, which kinda passes the time. It's such a waste of time.

Then I got home at like 8.30 and just went online for two hours. I kinda sorted things out, but I still couldn't get it all out in words, it was like I was not letting myself do it. I can't stand it when I do that, when I stomp out what's inside of me. Maybe it's to deny things, maybe it's to help me cope with things... well it works, pretty well, at least temporarily. But sometimes I just don't want to block things out, but I can't help it. Alright enough of that, I don't want to start psychoanalyzing myself or something. Even though I'd actually have to talk to myself to do that, because that's part of psychoanalyzing people. And I don't have any multiple personality disorders to play a shrink, either, so I guess trying to be two people at once won't work. But then again I could just listen to myself talk...

You know what, I'm gonna stop talking right about now. I talked too much all day, anyway.

Egh, I don't know what we're supposed to be celebrating today, since we have off, but I sure as hell didn't. The day wasn't that bad, just... so.. blah. I woke up at 8.30, I was so fucking amazed. Then uhh.. hmm. Oh yeah, I took the house down chopping mushrooms for mushroom soup. Heh. Gimme gimme gimme some shrooms. Then my mom died my hair, and right after that I had to go get pictures taken for my passport. Yeah, it's been ten years since I came here... I can't imagine what kinda person I'd be right now if I had stayed in Poland. I'd probably would of still been living by my cousins, right across that k-8 school they just started fixing up and building when I was leaving. And that playground, where Stan ate the sand out of the sandbox and got his whole mouth infected. And.. the dumpster! I used to climb on that thing, jesus, so many times... and.. so much. I'm glad I'm here though. I'm glad, for everything, because someone's made me realize today that life is really great. That plan is so going through. Come one, come all, to the freedom of life show!

I gave in. I made another journal thing, on greatestjournal. Don't ask me why-- this is probably the third one I have. I guess I lose interest quickly or something. Hmm. I'll link it here once I actually get it to stop resembling a fried piece of shit lying on a sidewalk. And once I actually get a couple of entries in there. Unless you're dying to know. Or something.

Alright, so I gave into the journal, I gave into being useless, why the fuck not give into going shopping with my mom again right? Agh. Wrong-- that was a mistake. Dun dun dun. Haha. Yeah, no reason.. I got two pj pants cuz I didn't need them and they were cheap and this dressy shirt or something, because it was there. It's black and see-through but has this other black tank top underneath, so I won't look like a whore. At least not much. Well I'm probably never going to wear it, anyway, so what does it matter..

My dad's here, bitching, so I have to go.

Yeah, so I'll update this lil mofo here because... well, I don't even know why. Nothing's happened. Yesterday I was gonna go over Ryan's with a few other people, and meet some two new girls that only Ryan's met one of em before or something. I didn't feel like going though... so I lazed around all day, and went to the A&P. Or ShopRite. Who cares. I got more hair dye, but both me and my mom are too lazy to actually do my hair. Yes, laziness galore.

Then today was gah. The morning was shit, I'm not gonna go into details, but motherfuck. By like 3 I was so tired out I felt like droppin dead and going to sleep forever. And I hadn't even done anything useful. So then .. oh yeah. I went with my mom to Bridgewater Commons.. jesus christ will that woman ever actually try and help me stop being a cleptomaniac? And I had to follow her around Lord and Taylor for about an hour, looking for some stupid dress she saw in another store but some other woman bought yadda yadda ya.

And then, out of absolutely nowhere.. I ended up trying on this like 100-dollar dress, and I bought it, but it came out to be like 26. Heh, Jewishness. It's all black-ish with spaghetti straps but then it looks like a witch's dress, well the bottoms do, but that might just be because they're just a lil too wrinkled..

Alright, well anyway, motherfuck.. I wish I could make a public announcement or something. To someone, so I didn't have to say it straight to their face. Don't worry, if you're reading this it's probably not you.. they apparently don't give a shit enough anymore to even check back here, at least not for the past month or so... wow I need to shut up. I can be so bitchy sometimes. Now I feel mean. I'm sorry, but I'm not, cuz damn... oh fuck it, nevermind.

Alright. Tomorrow, I need to ... dye my hair, maybe do some homework, get the pictures for my passport done... ooh I'm thinking that I might not have to go see my family this summer, because sometimes the passports take like half a year to get done, sometimes longer. Holy shit. But.. it was just starting to get reallyy fucking fun! All those nights... meeting all those people. Aghhh KK do you remember those people we met at the park that had like those 2-liter bottles and had contests over who could puke the longest?? Or the windowsill song? And the "devil's house"? And spacemonkey! (who fell asleep by the way) And "I am tyler's wasted life". wow. .. and the people begging for money for beer, and the motherfucking chocolates, and what happened at the drug store, and Slawek, and going into the lake with only our thongs and shirts on, and Mr. Ant (hah. good stuff.), and ::drumroll::: PARADISE. Wow. You all have to come with me this summer. Just.. just all of you. And yes, we all have to piss in every abandoned building that we go into. Please don't ask questions.

Man, I was so happy when I heard at 5.45 this morning that it's a snow day... you have no idea how much I would of been passing out from tiredness today if the snow hadn't come. I don't think I would of mentally been able to get through, though, anyway. School's just been giving me so much shitness.

If I could wish for just one thing, it would be that everyone else could be happy. Come on. Just one day. I hate to see people feelin so low, I try to help but I don't think it does much. This world is can be so harsh, and makes everyone look so weak. ::trails off with strange analyses::

I will do this. Tomorrow. I have to. Argh.

Yeah, so the highlight of today was going to the A&P. It was all a waste.

My family should die. And I am not switching schools. No matter what. Or actually who the fuck really knows..

Yeah, so since I had so much fucking extra time on my hands, I did another survey (click -- I'm not gonna put it here cuz it'd be too long)

Jesus fucking christ. I piss myself off more with every day that passes by..

I have to do it, someday. The person who said would make me do it if I didn't by Friday (you know who you are), should like.. wake up and make me do it. I can't, not without anything to make me, I don't have the guts but the guilt. I said too much again. Maybe it's my subconcious pushing through, trying to make me get used to the idea of pronouncing it loud and clear, nice and official and final. Making me used to the idea of talking about it, and not just in my journal and to KK and a few others.

Okay, next subject. I can't even change the goddamn subject, actually. This has been swimming around in my head for a really long while now, with no place to go. Cuz I'm afraid to take it and do something about it, I don't know what the reaction will be.. then again, I guess I really don't have anything to lose, as someone made me realize yesterday. Me and my goddamn shyness.

Alright, I swear, next topic before I start writing like I do in my journal. KK read it-- thanks for that, I love ya, my sister aka other ass-half. (How did we ever come up with that?) Well anyway, I get too analytical lately, I feel like I have to talk about everything or write it down somewhere or else everything's gonna stick around inside my head and taunt me until I go crazy or something. I hate it when it's at school, writing about stuff makes me think about stuff and thinking about it makes me get a lil too emotional sometimes. I spent the whole chemistry class writing about somethin, which practically got me into tears cuz it pissed me off so much. I hate this, 99% of the time I can hold it in, just make myself numb inside. I guess I stay quiet sometimes when I do that. Try to hold things in. Then I get home and shit really falls apart and I can't put it back together and I just don't wanna face the next day cuz I know it's just gonna be all the same all over again. I feel like giving up, it's like nothing really matters anymore, but at the same time everything does matter. Or it's just the major things that don't matter because I actually try and bury them away, and the little things just jump at me by surprise. Like little nails here and there that pop out of a bridge or something, and eventually make the structure collapse.

Alright so lately I've bs'ed an essay, got through a couple tests and quizzes that I had no idea I was having those days, and school's just not all that great. And I go home and am so glad to get away from it, but then the home stuff piles up so much and I don't really have an escape, except when it's mad late at night and everyone is asleep. I can't do so many things anymore that I used to rely on to get rid off all the shit going through my mind, some of which worked more than others, but it all helped in one way or another. Now it's just like I have my mom watching over every step I take cuz she thinks I'm in a cult cuz of something I did and she saw, and that they're the ones who made me do it... and she thinks it's my friends' fault, and it's not. I really have to stop now.

Motherfucker. What is this, a new trend of breaking up right before valentine's day? I can list.. multiple couples at the moment who broke up or have one of the people thinking of breaking up. Oh wait, I just remembered another one. I don't get it. I don't wanna go any more into this, though, I don't wanna say too much, again.

Heh. Rob asked for his cell phone back... (not Gabel). KK I think only you know what the hell I'm talking about. I wasn't gonna fuckin mail it, so he might actually come down here this weekend. I plan on giving it back with a bomb inside of it. Shit, is he an asshole... and no, I'm not saying that cuz he's wants the cell phone back, fuck the cell phone, argh.

Okay, moving on. This entry is really too long. I wanna show you all this one pic... but it's kinda disturbing, to those who never came across doing this before. No it's not nudity or anything. Should I start saying what I mean a little clearer or what? Humm dee dum... I wish school would end already. You should all come over my house one time during the summer and we'll have one hugeass party... we could go to the bridge, too, and blow some shit up there, it'll be fun. We could even bring out Legend cuz he lives there, not in the bridge I mean, but just... there. And if it's too hot, we could all go into the river, but I highly discourage jumping into it, because it's mad shallow and there's a lotta.. stuff... floating around in it. You might get AIDS. I wanna get lost in the woods back there, like me and KK did once in like 8th grade or something. Good memories... I have to stop writing now. This is just obnoxiously too long.

There's nothing in the world better than laying on a really soft and fluffy dark blue blanket, with little Christmas lights hanging right outside your window when everything else looks pitch black. And then light up some insence, and turn on some KoRn to pull it all together... arree youuu readdyy??

Okay, so the song didn't really match the mood, but it matched me, so who cares. I'm really fuckin tired. I have to talk. I think relationships can look a lil conspiracized sometimes, or just really too damn similar to one another. It's great to have the other one to use as a mirror to reflect on and talk to them about it all. I think I've said too much.... hey that's from a song isnt it? I have to look it up, I think I used to like that song. I'm in the mood for old songs. With a lotta guitar solos. Too bad I don't really have good CD's like that. Any suggestions?

Oh yeah, before I forget, I actually stole and took a survey. From Sophia and Erik, I forget which one. I read both of their journals. Okay well I'ma go now.. I still got a lotta work to do and my teachers have been givin lil speeches lately to "the class" about making up work when I'm like the only one missing shit so yeah, I should take a hint. But I'm not gonna. Woop. I hate school. My parents want me to go to the magnet shit, I laughed in their faces and said I'm not going. I'd flunk out the first week, anyway.

It's interesting how much words can do...

So today I drifted through school, none of my teachers are bothering me anymore about missed work, I guess they've given up on me. Which is good.

Yeah, and I also spent some time on Sunday doing a freakin "family album" page cuz the Polaks in Poland to whom I'm related to wanted to see pics. It's funny, cuz every time I came across something that said anything about making a "family album" online, I'd sit there are think what kind of life-deprived loser would sit and do that, and waste time on their family? Well, I guess I just did.

So uh, yeah. Besides that things haven't been going all that great, I waste so much time thinking of strategies of how to get outside cuz I hate sitting in here. I've even snapped back into one of my old habits again, very bad habits. I don't think anyone but KK and Jess know, and even if they do, Jess probably forgot, and KK's trying to figure which habit I'm talking about. Heh. It's all good. I love KoRn, it's playing now, again. It's Alone I Break, but I'm not gonna put up the lyrics because I think I've put them up here like three times already.

Woop woop, new layout!

Yes, it's wonderful isn't it? The things I do to waste so much time... Agh, I still didn't do it. Nothing. Zip. Zero. For those of you that know what I was gonna do, well one of two things, I didn't do shit. Somebody save me. Monday it is then... I have to stop talking like this, cuz I guess I'm leavin a bunch of you out. Don't worry, you're not missing much, it's nothing all that great, kinda the opposite actually.

Yeah so today.. hmm. Some professor (and his son and that son's daughter) who used to teach or work with my dad or something came to visit today. Yeah they were from Poland, too. My mom made the little girl cry. The girl wouldn't eat at first, so once she finally sits at the table and starts picking at just the macaroni, my mom comes over and starts askin if she wants the soupish part of the chicken soup, not just the macaroni. The girl's all like no no but my mom pours it in and tells her it's great, and the girl starts crying. I almost laughed. My mom's a real nutcase. She wouldn't even let a poor 7-year-old get away without eating soup "the right way".

So then it was like 4.20 and you know what I was thinkin so I tried to but was too paranoid and stuff, I finally got out at like 6 though. The guests were just about to leave just as I was about to come in, so my mom saw me, and so I said I'd went out to take pictures of the lights again. I think that's the first time she's believed something I said even since... since... ?

Oh and by the way, I do realize this whole layout isn't really done. Only two of the links in the menu work for now, and other technical stuff none of you would really give a flying shit about... alright, it's 11.30 already, I thought it was really nine, so I'm gonna go. Why the fuck are my parents singing happy birthday downstairs?

My eyes sting. My ears hurt. I'm stuffed, and tired. I wish everyone in my house left. Or I did. I'm listening to Chimaira. There are four screwdrivers on my desk. I sit and wonder, While you ponder of pathetic items that bring you happiness, Those things that put a smile to your face, Are the things that kill me inside, I know deep down you have a good heart, But why am I never included in all of this?... Yeah, so that's what's going on at this moment.

Today I sorta drifted through school, I don't really remember it though. Yes, it's still cold as hell, or as cold as it would be, once it froze over. I went outside. Missed the bus, too... they all were leaving like right in front of my face just after I got there. Oh well.. then I went over Eric's along with him and KK, other people were gonna come but they went to Rob's instead. But my mom was being a bitch anyway and decided to pick me up at like four anyway. (Oh look it's 21:21:21!) Then I went home and shit and stuff and ishkabible that I don't really feel like typing about cuz I'm lazy. To sum it up, more lyrics... Fuck you how can I not be me, Fuck you I will never let you take me, I will never be that good little one, I can never see what is so good about life, I can never change just who I am, just what it is I think I am doing, My hands fell down now I know I failed, You were not there to pick up the waste of this pathetic tale, Maybe I should just end all this right here, Would you like that?

As if you were born into a world of tears, you always tend to look at the darker things in life. Inside you crave attention yet push away society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn to things like the occult and mysteries, you spend your time daydreaming of

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Hey they never finished the answer...

Alright, this is fucking SHIT GALORE. I'm so pissed and sad and regretful and wishing I could do something right now. I know exactly what it is, but I won't say it, cuz I'll just end up more regretful and this lil online... thing... right here isn't the place or time to talk about it. I just wanna do what I need to do, what I've been dying to do for the past forever. Or so it seems. It's makin me insane. If you think you know what I'm talking about, you probably don't, unless you're special and I told you.

Oh yeah, and by the way, if I sometimes just disappear offline or sign off out of the blue it might be cuz of my dad. Lately he's picked up this habit to either disconnect everything from the the computer room, which throws me offline too, or just walking right into my room, pressing the power button and bitching about something like the screen falling out of the window in the middle of the night because I "was doing something suspicious". Hell yeah motherfucker, but that's just because I have no more willpower to listen to your bullshit and I'm sick of you keeping me inside the house all the time and making a big affair out of the littlest mistakes I make. I drop a fucking crumb on the floor and you call me a clumsy idiot and tell me to pick it up. Yeah, I'll pick it up and have Stan shove it up your big hairy ass. Oh wait it wouldn't even fit in there cuz you got some men already sticking their dicks up there, and that's why you moan and whine like a lil bitch when you get home. Just leave me the hell alone, or I'll get the hell away before you can see me turn 18.

Yeah so besides that, let's see.. today wasn't al that great, I like to blame all the shitty feelings on the cold weather. I die during the winter... not literally, but you know what I mean. I should go take a road trip to Mexico, where it's warm, who cares about the water? Chad was tellin me about some friend of his who went to Mexico and forgot to order his drink without ice.. and.. yeah. Mexican water did its job.

I hope I can do this, and soon. Thom you're the genius of the day. Thanx.

Well I don't feel like ending this entry just yet. I gotta keep talking, before I do something I don't wanna do. Ok well yesterday .. was mad fuckin cold. My mom made me go to Linden with her cuz she makes me go to this youth group thing usually there, but it was cancelled. So I stood outside for 20 minutes in the freezing cold cuz I didn't wanna go inside the church. I really hate church. I found half a 27, congrats to me? No. Whatever. I had my lucky today after school, and I didn't even make a wish. It was mad fucking cold out though... it was just me, Matt, Thom, and Chad out there. The security guards piss me off so much, they were fucking yelling at everyone sayin they'll kick us all out "if there's any more trouble", but no one hadn't done shit. Yeah so that's enough about my gay school. Alright Mr. Prick aka daddy is home, I'm gonna get off the computer, I'll see if I can update later on.

I'm gonna see if I can actually keep a journal entry short...

So today was good for the most part. My binder smells really bad, and I know what it's from. Man the security guards can be so in-your-face. Worse than the ones in the fucking mall. I hate authority, I hate responsibility, I hate order, I wanna bury myself away. So yeah, I need to pick up my cd player tomorrow after school. KK I really don't understand why you were that pissed in lunch at me, I wasn't doing anything to you.. The only person I would be affecting is me, and I wanted to do it... Ok I don't feel like explaining and going much into it. Jess you put what I've been feelin into words for me finally (or a word), trapped. That's what I feel like-- and I don't want to face it and call me a wuss and dumbass and whatever the hell else you want, but I just don't wanna face life anymore. You can tell me all about how I'm going nowhere and how I'm just gonna sink myself into deeper shit if I keep it up, but I just don't see a point to anything anymore. I know it's completely my fault, and I'm kinda glad it is, it's actually something that I get to decide over. Go ahead, give me shit about the future and college yadda yadda ya... but I'm living in the moment, as of the moment, no pun intended. I don't wanna see the future I don't wanna see what's ahead cuz I just wanna stick it through and make it til I'm 18 and get away. So I might not be successful, so I might end up living in a one-room apartment with big cracks running up yellow walls with rusty windows in them, in some shitty cold town, or even that damn shed we were talkin bout during lunch today. (Which wasn't all that bad of an idea, if you think about it..) And frankly, I don't give a flying shit about it, cuz I'd rather that than having to be bombard with high expectations and deadlines and 10-hour work days and a big fancy house, cuz I know I'd have a shitload of stress then anyway. So I might end up doing crack or OD'ing or something, but hey, I had my fun and I didn't need to work my ass off, and that's all I really want from life. From then on, who the fuck cares, cuz I still remember what I was gonna do before I get old anyway. So really, if you're gonna try and fix me up, and I mean this to anyone, don't bother, cuz right now I'm in an extremely pessimistic and lazy and life-deprived state of mind. Whoever really cares, can come join my party in hell once we all get there.

Fuck. I realized that it's not just my binder, but all of the fucking papers inside of it, too. And I'm not about to go spraying each and every one with my peach-smelling body spray, either.

I can't find anything to do with myself right now. It's all cloudy and rainy out, and that always makes me so damn lazy... I took about 20 pictures of the fucking treetops today while I was on the phone, oh oops that means I was getting both my camera and the phone wet from the rainy drizzle. Hmm, rainy drizzle?... Oh yeah and I got taken to church this morning. It's so stupid. The dude was like, "and the three men saw a star, and that star moved and they followed it until it stopped over baby jezus...". How the fuck does a star move and then stop? I mean, it's millions of light years away, they wouldn't be able to tell the fucking difference. Stars don't move, anyway, or at least not fast enough for it to be noticable. And it couldn't of been a shooting star, either. That would of been too fast to follow, anyway. And even if the star did move (::which it wouldn't::), the sky's pretty damn big, and it would be almost impossible for them to follow the exact direction of a star and know exactly when to stop in order to get to the exact location of a fucking shed. I mean, there used sheds all over the place, how the hell would they know which one it was?

Man, I hate being fed bullshit.

I can also talk too much. But at least you got my point, I hope.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly pretty empty too. I only got out for like two hours on my bike. I met up with KK and Eric at LaGrand park, then we went to see Eric's friend Chris at the gas station, etc etc, and then he drove us back to Eric's. Then we went back to get my bike, cuz I had to be home at four cuz of the orders I got. So then my mom makes me go to confession, and I don't tell the priest half the shit I do, and so it takes like two seconds and my mom looks at me kinda surprised, heh. We were back in Carteret again, my town when I was in kindergarten... my old house hasn't changed a bit. Still an old piece of crap, the top half is yellow and the bottom brown. It's like right across the street from their high school, except maybe 10 feet to the right of it. Literally-- I don't know if I would of liked staying there or not, probably though, cuz of how I had all these stores and places right around every corner of my house. Not like now; I feel like I live in the fucking Sahara Desert of society. But whatever...

I don't know why, but I always tell people to do the stuff that seems morally wrong. I mean, morally wrong to most people, but I usually just think of it as why the hell shouldn't they do it? They have their own life, and they only get one, they shouldn't let others' influences push them around too much. And it's especially the lil things, like yesterday. (Agh, Eric you got every right to do that.) I usually tell myself the same thing, that it's my life and all, I should be able to do what the hell I wanna do with my life... But then that's where things get complicated, cuz my parents think that I'm "theirs", as though I'm some kind of property that they use and decide the fate of. Like a goddamn plastic chair. They choose where it goes, who sits on it, what not to do with it, when to fix it and what to fix, when to throw it out. That makes me sick, too. I want to be 21 forever. And have my own crappy black car, like my dad's old '92 Jetta, with a stick shift. As long as it has good speakers and a CD player, and it drives. I could go anywhere-- ahhh just the idea of actually being free and doing what the hell I wanna do with my life makes me wanna run and be alive and actually do something useful with myself.

Happy new year everyone! Yeah, so I haven't really updated here in a while. I don't really know where to start...

Ok the beginning. On uhh.. Tuesday? Yeah, I guess.. I hung out with KK and Cory.. we went to the abandoned bridges, then walked around and stuff. It was cold, but fun. We thought we were gonna miss the train, so we ran for the one that just came.. we hopped on just as it was moving. That was cool. We all looked like we were gonna die from choking for air or something. Then two stations down we realize we're going toward High Bridge, so again, we jump off of the moving train. It was fun. KK fell, but she was ok. We made it back into Westfield, and went over Cory's for a lil, and then my mom drove me and KK home.

Now about New Year's. I was planning on going to Eric's, but then both my parents were in some kinda unreversable bitch mode and wouldn't let me. So it was like 5 or 6 or something and I was all pissed off at them and stuff and the guests were about to come for my mom's party... yeah and then she tells me I can go, from 10 to 1 cuz I gotta stay a lil at home. Well Magda came too cuz of her parents so we both got a ride over there later on. A lotta more people were there than I expected... me, Magda, Eric, KK, Cory, Ryan, Rob, Kulpa, Juba, Samee, Becky, and I guess others that I forgot. So yeah everything went all good minus the wine bottle issue and someone acting bitchy but whatever, that was bound to happen. I signed the KoRn poster on Eric's wall in that glow stuff, it was cool. At like 12.30 me and KK went with Kulpa to the 7-11, he got his lil bling bling which he hung on his rear-view mirror later on. It had a dollar sign, for ten bucks. Yeah. So by one most people were leaving, me and mags were last to leave and stayed until like 1.30 cuz our parents were too busy partying and no one felt like driving until then... Well we got home and got some remains from two wine bottles gives to us by my loving mom. Then we lit up a dime or so and it was all good. Except Stan and his friends kept banging on the door the whole time, so I was all paranoid and shit. Everyone left all at once, somewhere after 3, but no one really remembers what time it was. Well by four I was mad tired and all I remember is going to bed in my underwear and seeing the clock glow 4:17 at me... then 4:18... then 4:19... 4:20! I'm such a loser. I guess I fell asleep then.

Yesterday I woke up kinda tired and out of it, I slept too much actually. So ten minutes later KK calls and asks if I can go to the waterfall, and my mom starts up with her whole food issue and that I have to eat before I leave etc. They pull up while I'm still in my underwear but yea I made it. We picked up Eric and met up with Rob and Dan at McDonald's.. Then we were walkin around on the hills in the forest. Kulpa decided we should all waddle like penguins while we cross the roads when cars come, so yeah we looked kinda idiotic but it was funny to see the people honk and make faces. We didn't find any dead bodies either, which is what I was hoping for. Then we got lost, but Jill and KK kinda found the waterfall again. Then I crossed it over the top with Rob and KK and Eric. My shoes were soaked, but at least I didn't fall in... which would of actually been pretty funny, in a way. Then Jill and Lisa (idk if that was her name, actually) left, and the rest of us rode around in Kulpa's car. We were gonna go to the shore but there wasn't enough time, so we ended up going to some state park, which was closed. So we rode around hitting a couple garbage cans instead. Me and Rob took pics of the sunset from inside the car. Yeah, basically that was it.

Ok this update was really fuckin long.

See December | November